My kids are just 4/5 years old. I have no issues with them.
My children are above the parenting age (they are 17 +), I think it’s too late to do anything with them
Our children are no longer children (they are 31 and 27!) not they are parenting us!
Parents often accept certain behavior of children’s just because they find it common amongst many other children. And many a time there are instances where they experience everyday differences with their child but they think it is too late to change things now.
Lately, I have personally been coaching a couple with a 15-year-old child and another couple with children almost 25-year-olds.
The coaching calls are a part of Parwarish’s Nolimit child program, which promises all solutions that a parent thinks is needed to build a strong and loving relationship between the two.
In my coaching experience of last 10 years, including coaching people as a Landmark Seminar Leader, the above two coaching calls are the most arduous and demanding ones. There are uncanny similarities in the children in both these families
- High performing children
- Brilliant at their work – from the performance at school to productivity at work.
- Complete inability to deal with Failure
- Inability to take a ‘No’ from anyone
- Very high handed – I am the best, I know it all and others around including the parents are ‘less’
- Expecting a certain level of luxuries (car, food, holidays, phones, gadgets, etc) as “given” and as their right
- Aggressive to the extent of being abusive with not just the sibling but with parents.
What’s alarming is the children’s attitude in response to events or people. Although being high performers at their jobs or at school, their inability to control their emotions where even they go to an extent of verbally and physically abusing their own parents is sad and shocking.
Eventually, the relationship between the children and the parent is moving from bad to worse. The language being used by the children is discourteous and also the respect that they show to their parents is going downhill.
Parents strongly justify that they had been doing their best for all these years by focusing on making their children happy, fulfilling almost every need, covering up their mistakes and fulfilling their demands. Also, telling them that they are the best and appreciating them every time.
Somewhere we have read and understood that doing all the above builds a child’s self-confidence and self-esteem
But now the same parents feel that all the support and understanding that they were providing was a grave mistake and all their effort is starting to feel worthless. Not just the parents, but also as a reader you could feel that the parents were indeed committing mistakes and that they shouldn’t have done it. Before we evaluate and make a judgment on these parents. Let’s look at all the above and also assess ourselves.
It’s always easier to blame the parents for giving their children more than adequate and at some point, the blame does stand true. But what’s important is to look at things beneath the carpet and in our work with thousands of parents over the last 10 years, our learning and observation are that behind every parent’s behavior or action there is a positive intention.
And from our experience, we also realize that almost every parent is going through such emotional pain and is also hurt at a certain level. And that the intensity of the tension increases as they both grow up but the ability to make a shift or a change decreases.
Today children are not only being indulged but also have the opportunities and access to high exposure. The parenting style is rapidly shifting from Authoritative to permissive.
And I’m wondering that our parents never had to attend any coaching or counseling but we turned out to be OK. But what’s equally important is to understand that our parents never had to deal with their children facing this level of exposure to alcohol, drugs, sex, media, gadgets, gaming, junk food, virtual world, internet, smartphones, etc at a tender age. And that’s exactly why parenting gaps have started to emerge today is because of easy and quick access to information and things.
As a parent, your child is the most precious person in your life and you would go to any extent to save and support them. So to start the first thing would be to recognize and accept the causes for the parenting gaps and it’s crucial for parents to realize that it’s easier to build a child than repair an adult. So the sooner you start the journey of change, the easier the implementation and results.